When you’re working in Residence Life or Housing, you’re going to interact with people you might not usually choose to hang out with in your personal life – it’s part of what makes the job challenging and meaningful. Through this, one of the most common situations RAs run into is realizing they don’t have a lot in common with one or more of their residents. It can feel awkward, frustrating, or like you’re doing something wrong.
Most of us come into a Residence Life role because we’re people-oriented. We like building relationships, helping others, and creating community. Because of that, it can feel initially off-putting when you meet a resident and realize that if you weren’t their RA, you probably wouldn’t choose to spend much time together. Maybe they have completely different interests than you, or every conversation feels awkward. They could have opinions, hobbies, or beliefs that you don’t understand or disagree with; or it could be as simple as their personality just doesn’t mesh with yours. If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re definitely not alone, and it doesn’t make you a bad RA. Residence halls are filled with people different from you; that’s what makes them such invaluable places to live and learn.
The good news is that residents don’t need you to be their best friend (even though I know a lot of new RAs want that to be true). What they need is someone who is approachable, fair, and invested in their wellbeing. And you can provide all of those things without having much in common. One thing that can help is shifting your focus from finding similarities to becoming curious. When we don’t immediately connect with someone, it’s easy to mentally check out and decide there isn’t much to talk about. Instead, try asking questions; if you know nothing about a resident’s sport, hobby, or favorite activity, GOOD! That means you have an opportunity to learn something from them and give them a chance to share what’s important to them.
At the same time, it’s important to pay attention to the residents you gravitate to without trying. A lot of favoritism isn’t intentional; it often develops because we spend more time with people who are easy to talk to and who make conversation feel effortless. Before long, there are residents whose names, majors, hometowns, and weekend plans we know by heart, while other residents remain strangers or ghosts. That doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong, but it is worth checking in with yourself from time to time. Who do you always stop to talk to? Who do you tend to walk past? How do those residents feel when they see you engaging with the same group of residents over and over? The goal isn’t to treat every resident exactly the same, because that’s just not realistic. Instead, try to make sure every resident feels like they matter and that they know you care and know who they are.
Another lesson many RAs learn during their time in the role is that agreement and care aren’t the same thing. You can disagree with someone’s opinions while still wanting them to succeed, and you can hold different beliefs while still treating them with kindness and respect. Some of the most meaningful moments in residence life happen when people choose to care for one another despite their differences. Leadership often requires us to care for people who are different from us, and learning how to support someone without needing them to think like you, vote like you, worship like you, or spend their free time like you is a skill that extends way beyond residence life and into every professional and personal relationship you’ll have throughout your life. At the end of the day, your role isn’t to decide which residents you’d choose as friends. Instead, work to support them, help them find success, and show them how to contribute to a community where they feel like they belong. And while the residents who are easiest to connect with can make the job more enjoyable, the residents who are hardest to connect with often make us better leaders.
