Conflict is part of living in community. Whether it’s two roommates clashing over cleaning habits or a resident group disagreeing over event planning, tension is a natural part of group dynamics. As a student staff member in residence life, you’re likely the first person residents turn to when these issues arise. And sometimes, the way you respond can make all the difference.
But have you ever stopped to think about how you respond to conflict? Not just what you say or do, but your internal approach? Do you tend to lean in and try to resolve things right away? Do you wait, hoping the issue will fade? Do you find yourself trying to keep everyone happy, even at your own expense?
Psychologists Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann developed a useful tool for exploring these tendencies: the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI). Rather than labeling people as one single “type,” the model recognizes that everyone has access to multiple approaches. However, we all tend to rely more heavily on certain styles, whether because of personality, past experience, or what’s worked for us before. The model outlines five conflict-handling styles (Competing, Accommodating, Avoiding, Collaborating, and Compromising) each based on how assertive and cooperative someone is during a conflict. Let’s take a closer look at what these styles mean and how they might show up in your work.
Competing: Standing Your Ground
Some people approach conflict with a strong sense of conviction. They’re assertive and focused on achieving their own goals, often pushing hard to make sure their position is heard and respected. This is the competing style. It’s about winning, or at least making sure your viewpoint takes priority. In residence life, this might look like insisting a community standard be upheld, even when it’s unpopular. A competing approach can be useful in emergencies or when enforcing policy. But when overused, it can leave others feeling steamrolled or dismissed.
Accommodating: Putting Others First
On the opposite end is the accommodating style. People who take this approach tend to yield to others’ needs, often at the expense of their own. Maybe you’ve had moments where you just wanted to avoid conflict, so you let someone else “win” to keep the peace. While accommodating can be helpful for maintaining harmony or when an issue really isn’t that important to you, over-relying on this style can lead to frustration or resentment. For example, if a roommate always gives in during disagreements about guests, they may start to feel unheard or taken advantage of.
Avoiding: Delaying or Disengaging
Then there’s the avoiding style. This often gets a bad rap, but sometimes, avoiding is a smart and strategic move. It might look like postponing a conversation until emotions settle or stepping back from an issue that doesn’t really need your involvement. Still, avoiding becomes problematic when it’s used to dodge responsibility or leave important issues unresolved. In residence halls, ignoring repeated noise complaints or hoping a brewing roommate conflict will disappear on its own often leads to more tension down the road.
Collaborating: Seeking Win-Win Solutions
If you’re someone who likes to talk things through and find the best possible outcome for everyone, you might gravitate toward a collaborating style. This approach is both assertive and cooperative. It involves digging deep to understand all perspectives and working together toward a mutually beneficial solution. Collaborating is ideal when you have time and space to explore the issue thoroughly. For example, when facilitating a roommate mediation where both students need to feel heard and valued. The challenge? It can be time-intensive and isn’t always practical for minor or time-sensitive issues.
Compromising: Meeting in the Middle
Finally, there’s compromising. This is a middle-ground approach that aims for a solution everyone can live with, even if no one gets exactly what they want. You might suggest splitting the cleaning duties evenly, even if one roommate prefers a spotless room while the other doesn’t care much. Compromising is useful for quick resolutions or when stakes are relatively low. It’s less thorough than collaborating but more direct than avoiding or accommodating. In many student staff situations, this might be the most realistic option when juggling time, personalities, and policy.
There’s No One “Right” Style
The Thomas-Kilmann model isn’t about labeling yourself or others. It’s about awareness and adaptability. Everyone uses all five styles at different times. The most effective student leaders are those who can recognize which style fits the moment. For example, a policy violation might require a more assertive, competing approach. A roommate misunderstanding could call for a collaborative conversation. And sometimes, letting a small issue go (or postponing a conversation until later) is the wisest path.
By understanding your default tendencies, you can begin to expand your toolkit. You might notice that you avoid conflict more often than you’d like, or that you compromise quickly rather than push for deeper understanding. With practice, you can learn to shift your style to better serve the needs of your residents, and yourself.
Reflect: What’s Your Style?
Take a moment to think about the last conflict you experienced in your role. How did you respond? Was that approach effective? How might the outcome have changed if you tried a different style? If you’re curious, there are free self-assessments and quizzes online that can help you explore your conflict preferences. These can be fun staff meeting activities or personal development tools.
Check out the official instrument here: Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)
